All because of a text message.
It was late, I was tired. My brain kept telling me, "All you need is that text, then you'll be happy"
But it didn't come. And I went into a miserable spiral of despair, telling myself I was a failure and I'll always be rejected in the end.
I love how dramatic brains can be. Bit sad now = desperately sad and lonely always.
Because however we are right now, we can't really imagine it changing. Like when the weather's sunny in the morning so I don't take a raincoat, because rain just doesn't seem possible.
But actually, change is one of the few things we CAN rely on. Eventually.
Today I felt like a different person so I thought I'd share a few things that helped me get from 'Life is hopeless' to "It's ok. Life is a journey."
- I went for a run. Without my phone.
- I could see I was giving myself a hard time, which I do a lot. But instead of adding to it and giving myself more of a hard time for giving myself a hard time, I stepped back and watched.
- Eventually I allowed myself to FEEL the intense fear and shame without adding a story or meaning to it. I cried. Things moved.
- I realised that it wasn't about the text message at all. It was about me. And my dad. And the feelings of rejection, grief and loss that I've had since I was little.
- Although it felt painful and difficult, I reminded myself that I'm someone who can do difficult things. Sometimes the only way is through.
- I let my coach and my boyfriend see me in my raw state. I talked it over with them and they didn't run away or reject me. THAT felt amazing. I think I possibly live for connection.
Today I'm a different person - I gave 4 massages with energy left over. I couldn't have imagined that yesterday.
It wasn't the text message that I needed. It was connection, starting with myself.
If you'd like to connect with yourself and to work through your stuff on a massage couch with someone who'll accept you as you are, then get in touch.
Ruth Nadia x
The photo is me after the run.