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September 30th, 2021

9/30/2021

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Yesterday was a hard day.

All because of a text message.

It was late, I was tired. My brain kept telling me, "All you need is that text, then you'll be happy"
But it didn't come. And I went into a miserable spiral of despair, telling myself I was a failure and I'll always be rejected in the end.

I love how dramatic brains can be. Bit sad now = desperately sad and lonely always.

Because however we are right now, we can't really imagine it changing. Like when the weather's sunny in the morning so I don't take a raincoat, because rain just doesn't seem possible.

But actually, change is one of the few things we CAN rely on. Eventually.

Today I felt like a different person so I thought I'd share a few things that helped me get from 'Life is hopeless' to "It's ok. Life is a journey."

- I went for a run. Without my phone.

- I could see I was giving myself a hard time, which I do a lot. But instead of adding to it and giving myself more of a hard time for giving myself a hard time, I stepped back and watched.

- Eventually I allowed myself to FEEL the intense fear and shame without adding a story or meaning to it. I cried. Things moved.

- I realised that it wasn't about the text message at all. It was about me. And my dad. And the feelings of rejection, grief and loss that I've had since I was little.

- Although it felt painful and difficult, I reminded myself that I'm someone who can do difficult things. Sometimes the only way is through.

- I let my coach and my boyfriend see me in my raw state. I talked it over with them and they didn't run away or reject me. THAT felt amazing. I think I possibly live for connection.

Today I'm a different person - I gave 4 massages with energy left over. I couldn't have imagined that yesterday.

It wasn't the text message that I needed. It was connection, starting with myself.

If you'd like to connect with yourself and to work through your stuff on a massage couch with someone who'll accept you as you are, then get in touch.

Ruth Nadia x

The photo is me after the run.​
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Body says bla bla bla

9/6/2021

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I know they say to listen to your body but actually I often feel something like anxiety in my body – a heavy weight in my tummy, a sense of forboding and panic. If I listened to what my body was saying, it would sound a bit like. “Do NOT leave the house! It's not safe out there! There are unknown things. You might get tired. You'll probably want to come home. You might as well not go at all. Hey, I wonder what's on facebook... ”

So yeah, that's me...

It might not look like that, because I DO get out and do lots of things, but honestly, when I do my morning writing it's often just me having a tantrum saying 'I don't WANT to go to work, I don't WANT to see people, I don't WANT to do... anything, really.'

If it was up to my body, I'd be at home watching Crazy Ex Girlfriend, eating takeaway, never opening my door. Staying safe, conserving energy. Which is sometimes exactly what I need. But not ALL the time. I also need to get out into the world and make things happen. Sometimes I need to be the boss of my body.

Which is what happened this weekend – a group of us turned 40 this year and a massive party was organised and I REALLY didn't want to go but I knew that if I went there'd be lots of people I love and there'd be dancing. So I went. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and out of the house, because safe is lovely and gorgeous and nurturing but to thrive we need more than just safety. We need challenges. Not that the party was particularly challenging. The party was actually brilliant.

So yes, listen to your body. Let it have its rant, but then, it might be time for your body to listen to you.

And also, take a tent. Because quiet alone time is great too.

If only it was as simple in life as just following one instruction and keeping on going, but it isn't. It's constant readjusting and reassessing. Sometimes speeding up, sometimes slowing down. Sometimes listening, sometimes talking.

If you'd like to discuss both what your body is trying to tell you AND what you'd like to tell it, I'd love to see you for a massage.

With love, Ruth Nadia x
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    Here are the musings of Ruth Nadia - life, massage, happiness and more.

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